I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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