Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
