Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
