Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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