My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
