my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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