I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
