we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
