Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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