This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i think im in europe. pls send help
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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