On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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