I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
