if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
