I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
