I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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