dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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