i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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