Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
