I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
