you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
