So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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