i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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