Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
