I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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