M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
