okay pat passed out under dana's car
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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