I want you more than these girls want KFC
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i dont even know how to be here
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
