Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
