I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
