apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
