Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
