when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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