we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
