the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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