Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
