i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
