More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
