John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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