He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
