I can text with my tongue
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And then my night got REAL pukey
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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