i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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