this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You did what with his pubic hair?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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