I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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