As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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