Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he fucked my hip out of place.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
