yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
