It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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