What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
