i love accidental penises.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
