Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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